Really tough

I'm finding it really hard at the moment. I got so upset before I went to sleep last night. I just felt exhausted at carrying this grief around with me all the time. It's not like I'm grief stricken or even sad every day but it's always there. It underpins and overshadows so much of my life.

I was grief stricken last night, so much so that I couldn't even properly cry. The pain comes from so deep within. My loss feels so great, my hurt so deep, my anger almost like a rage, I miss him so much, my arms are so empty without him.

It's hard at the moment because Isobel will be 4 tomorrow and the contrast between them is so huge. She's so excited, so full of life, so well and he was so ill, so fragile, he couldn't walk and struggled even to be interested in his presents.

Christopher's 4th birthday was his last and just 8 weeks later he was gone.

I'm trying so hard to enjoy all the preparations for Isobel's birthday, and I am. I love her excitement and listening to her tell anyone who will listen that's it her birthday but it's so hard too.

Christopher left such a massive gap in our lives and nothing can ever fill that. People thought I was trying to replace him by having Isobel but they couldn't be more wrong - it's impossible to replace a human life, it's impossible to replace something that's not gone, it's impossible to replace a love that's as strong as ever.

I think back to how ill he was on his fourth birthday and how the whole day was such a struggle for him. I feel so emotional but I'm trying to hide it for Isobel and for everyone else.

When I eventually went off to sleep last night I dreamt about Kip. It was such a lovely dream and he was wearing one of my favourite t-shirts. It was blue and red stripes and I always like him in it. There is a photo of him on the beach wearing it.

I think dreams are special, I think they are a way of our loved ones letting us know they are near - dreams are blessings and mean so much.

Sarah x